I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
