He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
