I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
