He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I did not marry a roomba.
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