Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
