You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
