Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
