If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
