Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
