Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
