i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
