i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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