I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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