either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
