Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
