im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
