I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
