Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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