My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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