My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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