dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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