fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
