You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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