You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
