i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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