:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
