Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
