she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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