just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
