I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
