AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
