Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
