good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
