Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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