I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You may now shotgun with the bride
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
