I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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