i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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