Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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