I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
