so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
