you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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