I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
