OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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