My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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