So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
