NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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