Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
