I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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