And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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