Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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