No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
