She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
