I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
