do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
