and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
