i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
