I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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