well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I met the friendliest cop last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize